Saturday, January 19, 2013

Milk

Looking at photographs. I love photography. G and I have spent long hours at museums discussing photographs. We have stacks of beautiful photography books. I've learned from him, about composition and how the history of art both changes and does not change the soul of the image. I've learned from practice at looking, how to see what's hidden in the dark places, or revealed.

I'm not a very good photographer. I don't tend to see the background or the light until later. My perfectly framed shot too often turns out to be a muddle of textures and shadow.

L and I looked at photos today, both of us sitting at computers, phones tucked against our ears. What page are you on? Scroll down! I was scouting erotic pictures for a project. We compared notes.

It's something I've only done with L, the easy discussion of what turns us on in images, flipping through them, arguing, dissecting, more interested in our conversation than pursuit of arousal. We weren't getting off. Or not sexually. Though I'll be thinking about some of those pictures again later.

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L confessed he finds pregnant women sexy. He wants to nurse, he told me. I didn't tell him my side of that fantasy. I'm compelled by the idea of forced lactation. I've done image searches for women in bondage with breast pumps on. They horrify me. The whole idea, a man or a baby using my body that way horrifies me. Of course, that kind of disquiet turns me on, so....

Apparently it's a whole genre on Amazon, with titles like "The Billionaire's Milkmaid", "Touring the Lactation Lab", "Alice's Private Milking: A Medical Lactation Story", and the no-surprises, what you see is what you get, "Abducted and Forced to Give Milk".

Here's an excerpt from that last:

Now that he called attention to it, I realized just how soaking wet my breasts were. It was like someone had poured an entire glass of milk over my breasts, letting it trickle down my sides and stain the mattress. I knew I produced a lot of milk, but this was definitely much... MUCH more than usual. Was it because I was so aroused right now?
"You're milking so much. It's crazy. I can't believe you were hiding something this lewd."
Blushing furiously, I turned my head away, closing my eyes as if to escape the situation. At least when I thought it was someone else milking me, I could believe it wasn't anyone connected to my regular life. I know I had wanted it to be Aaron doing all of this to me. But now that I've confirmed that it's really him, I'm paradoxically wishing that it was anyone but him. Because now he knows how abnormally my breasts are, how they lactated so ridiculously much.
"P-Please don't look..!"
"Oh don't worry, I'm going to do more than just look. Much more..."
Suddenly, I felt something warm engulfing one of my tits. My eyes opened wide when I realized that he had taken my milk-soiled nipple in-between his lips, and was suckling furiously!
What I notice about this (besides some terrible editing and a disappointing lack of any actual "forcing") is the idea that breast milk is lewd. The author refers to her "milk-soiled nipple". Since when is milk dirty?  Since it became a marker for vaginal exudate, and therefor female desire. Female desire, of course, is shameful.

Why do I get off on this? I have no freaking clue. Let's just agree, as we have many times before, that no one should be judged by what turns them on.

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