I was going to try and go to bed at 10:30 every night so I could post here. But I ended up staying up later, as always. And oddly, G has started going to bed earlier. Which makes it hard to write. I prefer to be alone. strongly prefer. I won't say I HAVE to be alone - that would be silly, right? False? But yeah, I won't write with company.
I don't like that he comes to bed early. It means it's my fault if we don't have sex, not his for staying up ridiculously late.
It's not that I don't want to ha have sex. Just not with him. Argh.
I belive this is a state of mind more than an absolute. I tell myself I'll overcome it. I have before. WE HAVE GOOD SEX. Sometimes.
I'm so fucking ambivalent. Like, I wish he'd go down on me more often. But I don't like him to unless I've just had a shower. And I tend to shower at odd hours, not before bed. So I never let him and then I complain that he doesn't really like to. Yeah, I know.
When CL goes down on me, I know it's for him as much as me. I know he likes the way I taste and smell. I say, "I just came from the gym, I'm stinky!" and he says, "I LOVE that."
I wish it were easy. I wish I could let it be easy.