Sunday, October 13, 2013

No spark

In my dream I was moving away, not to leave him, but to pursue other parts of my life. I thought sadly of the lover I'd also be abandoning.

In daily life, I'm trying not to move away. I keep searching for the spark. It could still be there somewhere. I try to maintain hope.

Despite my lack of attraction to my husband, we still used to have great sex. I'd go to sleep thinking, that was the best ever. And then, another night, it would be even better. So any excuses I have (and I have many) are invalid.

I do think he's lost the spark some, too. He's told me that his drive is much less than it used to be. We have sex because we ought to, maybe. We have sex because we need to, because it is an essential tie of our marriage. But half hearted sex does not fill the need, not really.

At the same time, I feel as close to him as I ever have. I've been emotionally needy, and he's been there for me. There's a depth to our connection I feel w/no one else. So maybe I worry about the sex aspect too much.

I know this is kind of a lame post. Probably that's all I'm up to these days. My spark has gone, after all.