Monday, January 6, 2014

Living in Unreality

I know you're reading this. Dark-voiced stranger, bitter and dark like good chocolate, dark and sweet and bitter and good.

There's a writing shaped hole in my life. Maybe you can help me fill it. No, you don't have to do anything. Just be there, wanting me a little. Let my words be a letter to you.
There are other friends I should be writing to, one dying of cancer, another of old age. Letters on paper would be the right thing to be writing tonight. I have dispensed with the right thing.

The drugs I'm taking to keep myself panic-free have stripped me of the ability to orgasm, though arousal is possible. I used to fantasize about not being allowed to orgasm, so this ought to strike a kinky chord for me. I used to come over and over to the fantasy of being told I would never be allowed to come again. Like so many daydreams, it's better left in the realm of unreality.

Are you better that way, too, my dear?
I saw my lover last week. I'd been staying away, not wanting to take what little sexual energy I have away from home, but it was his birthday, and I was in the neighborhood with an hour to kill, and honestly, I needed to feel something.

I wriggled my body underneath him and inveigled his cock into my mouth. Choking, suffocating under the blankets, I clutched at his ass, willing him to fuck my mouth. Stop trying to be nice: fuck me already.

And then we rolled over and I gave him the birthday treatment. And then I rolled him sideways and made him thrust into my mouth again. I didn't let him go down on me and I didn't come close to an orgasm but I felt energized and whole for a little while.

It seemed so simple and natural. I went to C's house and gave him a blow job for his birthday. I have to remind myself over and over again that my husband wouldn't see it that way. And you don't see it that way, either, do you? You see it with a mix of jealousy and love and regret and things I don't know. But not simply.

I can't have orgasm and I can't visit the dark places where things are complicated. I'm experiencing medicated buoyancy, and everything is light.